Friday, May 28, 2010


Would love me for myself alone, and not my yellow hair...

An important column published about Kendra Wilkinson, today, on blog The Evil Beet:

"Yesterday a 10-minute clip from Kendra Wilkinson's teenage sex video hit the ‘net (it's NSFW but you're on your own to Google it). And what I saw was infuriating to me.

I'm not angered because I have any problem with watching sex on tape - for the record, I watched the Pirates porn last week, and it was better than 75% of the mainstream movies I've seen this year. No joke. And normally these celeb sex tapes don't bother me either, but this one in particular pisses me off.

Kendra doesn't really want to be videotaped. She says so on quite a few occasions.

"Please don't do it," she says. "Please?"

"Kendra," he says, annoyed. "I'm barely zooming in. Just go."

"Can you not?"

"You'll like it. Trust me. Watch. Go."

Kendra seems resigned to her fate, and, almost instantaneously, she shifts characters, from a very young woman being pressured into a sexual situation she finds uncomfortable to a willing sexpot, grinding obligingly on the bed with a black panther blanket across it. (Jesus Christ.)

As her male companion puts the camera close-up on her vagina, she shuts her legs.

"What?" he whines. "Just do it. Just keep messing around."

She pushes him and the camera away several times after that, each time slipping instantly back into character as soon as he expresses annoyance.

He begins performing oral sex on her. She's not entirely comfortable with this. She wriggles around and clamps her legs close, against his head.

"Keep ‘em open. Keep ‘em open. Keep ‘em open. Open your legs. Open ‘em. Open ‘em."

They have sex. He has trouble staying hard. He's gross, really - a balding redhead in his late teens or early twenties with a pube-hair goatee, bad teeth and a too-large nose - pudgy and pale all over.

He comes inside her, even though she's obviously asked him not to. She makes a face and she rolls off the bed. He acts surprised and upset by her action. She tells him she doesn't like it when he does that. He mutters something about a blow job.

This isn't a sex tape, really. It's that thing we talk about that happens to our young women. That thing that we, as grown-ups, write about and research incessantly and condemn broadly, but don't remember so vividly. It's right here on video.

It reminds me to some extent of the Paris Hilton sex tape, but even more so here. It's that space where young women have discovered and perfected their sexuality and its value, but haven't yet figured out how it's empowering. They just know that it's something people want from them; it's something people expect from them. Something young men expect from them; something, perhaps, that young men haven't learned how to ask for politely. It's uncomfortable and new and everybody's learning, and what happens, more often than not, is that the male partner's desires come first and more forcefully, and the young woman is disrespected and disempowered and left with a sense that she's less valuable and less capable of demanding respect and control than her male counterpart - a sense than lingers into her twenties and beyond, even though she might not recognize it as such.

You should not be turned on by this. You should be pissed off.

This isn't rape - not even close. And Kendra's not even unhappy the whole time. But you can tell who's in charge; you can tell who's in control. It's made clear. Kendra's requests are completely ignored; she's totally disrespected here, naked and exposed.

So the next time some enterprising journalist wants to wax poetic on "what's happening to our daughters" - to cite studies and surveys and books upon books - maybe she could take ten minutes and watch the Kendra Wilkinson sex tape. What's happening to them is right here, right on video."

Kendra probably didn't realize this control issue when she supposedly tried to sell the tape years ago before changing her mind about releasing it. Now she can't stop this beast and it's out for all to see. Someone may say who cares some former Playmate will be seen in a sex tape but maybe she realizes how unsexy this was. I hope she reads this article. She was young so I don't fault her for giving in to his requests at 18 but it can be a learning lesson for another young lady. So many teens doing this right now in the world.
E, this goes well beyond learning about sex and self-empowerment IMO. It is about a young woman who came into this situation without the self-esteem that underlies self-respect and enforcing boundaries against all “comers” (pardon the pun). This situation does nothing but reinforce that low self-worth. Subservience has long plagued womanhood for the sake of pleasing others at self’s expense. When we stop perceiving sex as something that must be learned above restoring self-respect first that is when it will stop being a tool of negative reinforcement. But as long as “no” means reluctant compliance womanhood will remain a victim.

P.S. Check your emails, Luv!
**Subservience has long plagued womanhood for the sake of pleasing others at self’s expense.**

So true...
Good to see you back YOIM - but I checked my email and nowt from you?
Check it now, Luv...
"Wilkinson signed a deal with Vivid that gave the porn giant the rights to distribute the flick. According to Radar, her dirty little secret also gives her 50% of the profits; that’s a $680,000 payout already."

She wasn't raped. Everything she's done since tells me this has worked for her. She and women like her are poison to girls. Far more dangerous than a bloated pale balding boy with a video camera. At the grocery store tonight I saw Kendra and Kim and who the fuck else grinning like morons in their bikinis, fake tits fake tans, selling out every young girl's sexuality. Am I supposed to feel sorry for Hugh's girl next door? Sorry. No. I feel sorry for the 13 year old girls who have to navigate themselves through the shit she and those like her have set for them. Girls need to know they're more than tits. They need women to tell them to say NO. If NO doesn't work, a kick to the balls. If that doesn't work, a police report. This woman is rich from selling out woman and girls. Fuck her and her $600,000.
I hear you.
Emma young vulnerable women will always be a target for exploitation. Until we value ourselves, our sexuality, we will continue to be objects, tools for men.
It cuts BOTH ways I guess...
This is still a man's world and women all too often try to bend themselves in multiple ways (no pun intended) in order to meet the needs of a chiefly male-dominated universe.
I'm not condoning this kind of behavior - the the semi-nekkied (fully nekkied) chicks with their oily skin that shake "their booties" in a myriad of gansta-rap vids or any other behavior that reduces women to pure objects, retarded and (if possible) mute and docile sex-dolls made of flesh and blood.
But as long as most industries (and that includes the FILM INDUSTRY, the medias, etc etc) are chiefly in male hands, it is not that easy for women find their own way, regardless of the expectations of a male world. It's hard to find your place when so much of your place (role) seems to be predestined.
Women have been fighting for their autonomy for a long time - and we still have a LONG way to go.
I have a radical idea. Stop blaming men, a male dominated society and horny boys. Blame WOMEN who allow men to exploit and limit them. No offense but THIS is the problem. No one ever accomplishes any thing with a victim’s mentality. Women who achieve their dreams don’t talk or think much about male domination. If they did, they’d get stuck and go nowhere. Every Kendra is a punch in the face to every Hillary Clinton. Or Kathryn Bigelow. Or any other woman who is doing constructive, creative things successfully in spite of her vagina. Women have more opportunities now than at any other time in history, and in the U.S. we don’t have the restrictions of women who are fighting for their most basic rights around the world. Obviously, there are women who, because of circumstances, don’t have the opportunities as easily available to them as some of us do. But for every woman who makes it the road gets a little easier for those who have real burdens holding them back. May Kendra and those like her choke on their fortunes for what they’re doing to a whole generation of young girls. You only have to turn on the TV or glance at the shit at the grocery check out to know we’re in real danger of losing ground and WOMEN are to blame.
I'm not saying that women aren't to blame...but women still have to work twice as hard than most men in order to have a career.
And what about a career (say as a CEO of a company) and having say 2 children? The education of children still remains chiefly in the hands of women...and I know more than one woman who had to choose between being a mother and having a career.
You wouldn't believe how many women are turned down (at least in the academic world) not because of a lack of qualification, but because of their gender.
Things are changing, but they're changing very slowly. We still need quotas for women these days (at least in the academic world)...

I absolutely agree though that playing the victim doesn't help and yes, it seems like we're regressing...
Wasn't K. Bigelow the first woman director to receive an Academy Award? I'm sure she isn't the only female director out there, but as far as prestigious prices are concerned she is still an exception and a premiere...THAT'S what I mean...women in these positions are still pretty damn rare (at least here in Europe...female CEOs, decision makers least we have a female chancellor down here...that's a start :)
To the anonymous who is 'supposed to feel sorry for Hugh's girl'

All I ever knew about this woman was from watching exactly one hour of her reality show where they surprised her by bringing in her grandmother to witness the birth of her kid.

If your sexual history doesn't include any episodes where you felt even slightly exploited at the end of it- congratulations! Every woman has something they can learn from you.

I also don't see those who do constructive, creative things as being exempt from lacking the self-esteem or buying into the victim mentality you've mentioned.
Also, both Hillary Clinton and Kathryn Bigelow had husbands who cheated on them. Not a judgement, just saying that life is usually slightly more complex than dividing everyone into two categories of 'empowered' versus 'victim'
"All I ever knew about this woman was from watching exactly one hour of her reality show where they surprised her by bringing in her grandmother to witness the birth of her kid."

Cath, I don’t know what this is supposed to mean to me. Did she give birth on her “reality show?” Talk about exploiting herself, her child and her grandmother! I suppose there was a point to this exercise I’m too dense to understand?

"If your sexual history doesn't include any episodes where you felt even slightly exploited at the end of it- congratulations! Every woman has something they can learn from you."

Ouch! So, I’ve pissed you off? I wasn’t talking about any woman’s particular “sexual history” or self-esteem for that matter. I find it interesting that I said “in spite of having a vagina” and you made it about self-esteem, which I didn’t mention at all. Of course, most women and even some of those maddening apes with a dick dangling have self-esteem issues. And obviously it is more complex than dividing everyone into two categories of “empowered” and “victim.” Successful women, even those with cheating husbands, overcome their self-esteem issues and their vaginas and do the work they have to do to get where they want to go. I don’t understand the cheating husbands reference. Clinton, for one, took a huge hit to her self-esteem and VERY publicly and yet she went on to accomplish a fucking miracle – she could’ve been President of the United States.

My point is that she and any woman who has an “impossible” goal is not going to get there by blaming men or the male dominated society. Nor is watching the fucking girls next door on television going to be of much benefit – unless you’re working on a thesis on what is detrimental to the self-esteem and empowerment of girls growing up now. And – my “sexual history” – did you mean for that to be snarky or am I overly sensitive? Either way, yes. I’ve felt exploited. I’m going to guess maybe more than most because of a specific incident, but yea. I’ve had bastard boyfriends and abusive bosses who’ve left semi-permanent scars on my self-esteem. So, does this make me qualified to participate?
So, I'm way late for this interesting debate. Would still very much like to add a few small things.

To "Anonymous" - you claim Cath is pissed off when you're the only one who looks angry at all. She looks like she's just giving her opinion calmly, so in order to make this an intelligent debate and not a verbal nuclear war - since the latter wouldn't be very beneficial - it'd be good to not take offense even if offense is meant. If you're above it, be above it, don't spoil a very insightful debate by making it a war.


I happen to agree that "victim mentality" is an extreme. I've not once felt victimised in the sexual department, I have been lucky. However, I have still done rather "stupid shit" that did not involve sexual intercourse. I didn't do a lot of said "stupid shit"... but I've presented myself in ways I wish I could take back. Because I should have known better. I wasn't a victim, the guy was not a bully, a situation is never that simple. If only it was, I might have seen through it.

I think it takes a young mind to make mistakes regarding self-respect and how to have it and act on it. I didn't even think at the time I was "reducing" myself to anything, yet I was. It happens. I'd like to think I'm more than the sum of my bad moments and that I actually will deserve sympathy at other points in my life even if I haven't always gotten it right right away.

I think what I'm trying to say is... pretty much the one time I conducted myself without much self-respect was an honest mistake, I own it though, I don't blame it on the guy... and yet I do think I deserve mercy.

I even think that what Cath was trying to say was that just because someone carries responsibility for bad conduct or behavior, does not mean they are harpies that never deserve understanding or sympathy. Whether it's about that particular incident or anything else.

I think we're allowed to pitty Kendra and still think she should have known better. We're all human after all and I'd like to think even people I disagree with (permanently or regarding one or two things) deserve respect, sympathy and compassion.

Please don't interpret that as "I think it's cool to sympathize with serial killers".
Ok, so I'm a year late. This post was great, and I went in search of said sex vid. I didn't find it. Instead, I found this exact post on another website...I think they may have stolen your post! I feel as if I'm telling tales, but still...
A little evil is often necessary for obtaining a great good.
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